Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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