i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
