I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
