So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
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Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
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The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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