How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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