if you like me you must not know who I am
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
