I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
