test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
