If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
