well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
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why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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