Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
