I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
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she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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