Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sext me about skeletons
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
