Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
