He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
