It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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