there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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