i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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