My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
