You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Acid is not a monday night drug
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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