I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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