just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
