I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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