The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
