Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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