toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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