shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
