ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she peed on how many people?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
