she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
it's like heaven, but drunker
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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