I am puke
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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