nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You can't just leave with hair like that
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
