You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
