I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
