I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
