I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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