just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
