I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
