Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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