my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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