Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
