If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
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I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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