I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
