what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
