Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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