I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
