This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
