theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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