then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
