stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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