You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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