He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
