drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
