im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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