He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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